How To Tell Your Child You Are Getting a Divorce
At MyBump2Baby, we are proud to connect parents with family law solicitors throughout the UK. Today we share an expert article on How to tell your child you are getting a divorce from our Family Law Solicitors in Lincoln Sills and Betteridge LLP.
How to Tell your child you are Getting a Divorce
Telling your children you are getting a divorce may be one of the most difficult conversations you will have following your decision to separate from their parent. How much information you give them about the reason for the separation and your feelings on the issue will depend on the age and emotional maturity of your child(ren), but whatever age they are, they need to be told in a calm, clear way which both supports them, and involves them in the next steps.
If you are wondering how to tell children about divorce, here are some tips:
- Tell your child as soon as a definite decision is reached.
- Do it together unless one parent is unable to manage their own emotions. This is not unusual, particularly if the separation has come as a shock to one parent.
- Plan ahead and agree with the other parent what will be said whether or not the conversation takes place together or as separate conversations. It is better that the children hear the same information from both parents.
- Do it at home in a comfortable room with all of the children present.
- Be honest and straight forward.
- Be direct and use the words “divorce”, “separation” and “splitting up” as a way of explaining the change. You may be tempted to spare the children the pain of facing what is going to happen. It may be better to be honest. If not, the child may hold out some hope that it will not happen.
- Give a simple reason for the divorce. Do not apportion blame. Keep your explanation short.
- Reassure the child that they did not cause the separation.
- Emphasise repeatedly that both parents will continue to love and care for them.
- Describe the things that will stay the same. They often want to know who they will live with and where, where their pets will live and whether they will need to change schools etc. Try to have some answers.
- Describe the changes that may occur and that are to be worked out.
- Reassure the children that they will see you both regularly.
- Allow the children to express their emotions. They may feel angry. They may be in denial. There may be tears or rage. Do not try to prevent the reaction. Do not tell the child off. Allow the child to let the emotions come out.
- Manage your own emotions and stay focused on the needs of your child.
- Encourage children to ask questions.
- You will need to keep talking to your children and be available to answer their questions as they arise.
Once the children have been told about your divorce, is there anything you can do to make it easier for them?
- Keep letting your children know that you love them and make sure that your actions prove it.
- Encourage your children to respect and love their other parent. Speak in positive terms about each other. Be civil when talking to each other.
- Avoid conflict. Do not argue with your ex in front of your children.
- Do not use your children as go-betweens or prevent your ex from seeing the children as a way of punishing them or the ex or in an attempt to force some kind of action i.e. payment of child maintenance. Denying time with the ex as leverage is damaging to the child.
- Be careful not to burden them with your problems and avoid sharing all of your worries. They are still children and should be treated as such. Try and find an adult shoulder to lean on.
- Try to agree with your ex on the ground rules for parenting including bedtime, discipline, homework etc. If the children can live by the same set of rules in both homes then it makes it easier on them. If the ex however doesn’t parent as you do then do not undermine them or step in unless the situation is unsafe.
- Create a stable and predictable routine for your children. Maintain as many routines, rules and traditions from your past family life as you can. They need as much consistency as they can get when everything else around them is changing.
- Make sure your children have their own place or space if at all possible in your new home. If finances permit, allow them to have a say on the decoration etc. They need to feel comfortable in both homes.
- Keep your promises. If you tell them you are going to do something together, do it. If you have to change your plans, give your children and the other parent as much notice as possible and try and rearrange. Feeling that they can depend on spending time with you on a regular basis is very important.
- Avoid introducing new partners too soon. Children may resent you spending time with new people too soon or feel threatened by their presence. It is best to wait until your children are more comfortable with this. Don’t introduce them to partners you have just met. Make sure that you are in a stable relationship first.
Remember that every family is different, so it is important to take time to think about your children and your particular family situation before you do anything.
Click here to contact Sills & Betteridge Family Law Solicitors, Lincoln
For more information about the divorce process, read the article: How to Get a Divorce in the UK.
Hi, I'm Emma and I'm MyBump2aby's family law, protection and financial editor. I'm passionate about better-informing parents on their choices when it comes to family law and family protection and financial matters.
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