Comparing Ourselves

Carla: [00:00:00] Hello, and welcome to 50 shades of Motherhood uncensored, unhinged and unapologetic mum chats around the highs, the lows, the struggles, everything really.

[00:00:34] This week I am talking openly to Emily Mills from Mumma Mindset company, and we are going to be talking all about, comparing ourselves as mothers. Something I think we all do sometimes even without realising. Um, and we’re gonna be talking all about that from pregnancy, right through to where we are now. I hope you enjoy this episode.

[00:01:12] Hello everybody and welcome to this week’s episode of 50 Shades of Motherhood. Today. I am joined with the lovely Emily Mills from Mumma Mindset company. Hi, Emily. 

Emily: [00:01:25] Hello, how are you doing? 

Carla: [00:01:26] I’m very well, thank you. How are you? 

Emily: [00:01:29] I’m good. Thank you very much. 

Carla: [00:01:31] So yeah, today we’re going to be discussing all about comparing ourselves to other mums. Um, and I think we all do it and we don’t, you know, but we don’t kind of feel confident enough to say what we think sometimes or what we’re doing. So, I mean, um, Emily, tell us a bit about you initially. So people have got a bit more of an idea. Who you are.

Emily: [00:01:53] Yeah. So I’m a mum of four, um, predominantly I’m working with mums at the moment who feel a sense of anxiety or feel incredibly overwhelmed about their role as a mother. And so I’m taking them from a journey of dealing with those mindset, hurdles and obstacles to forging a place of clarity, calm confidence in their identity and, and discovering the kind of mum that they want to be. But it’s interesting to kind of. Have this conversation with you today about all of the different aspects of motherhood, you know, all of the challenges, the fears that we have about what people will think about us as mothers. You know honestly, from my journey, my eldest now is 10. I look back and I think, wow, there was so much in my head space at that time that was negative. That really didn’t need to be there. Then it was almost, stories of other people’s judgment that was probably made up in my own head. Um, but it was very much a real thing at that time time. And so worrying what people might think, you know, I had my first baby, um, decided to have a friends home birth, using hypnobirthing. And I remember deciding to have that home birth. And although I felt confident about it, having that worry of actually admitting it, that other pregnant mums in my life at that time, that I didn’t really know very well, but actually saying to them, you know what. I’m thinking about having a home birth.

Carla: [00:03:21] Was this 10 years ago? Yeah, because if, for me, I mean, God, I don’t know, George is only four, but home birth still seems to be so new. Like, so that must’ve been like, yeah, I can understand why you would feel like that, but that’s when it all starts, isn’t it? It’s like during pregnancy, like that’s when it actually starts. Like you start having these thoughts of like, when people assume things as well. Um, but I mean, for me, I used to look at children before I was even pregnant and they were like out in a restaurant or whatever. And the mum had the iPad and I’d be like, Oh dear, you know, I would never do that. And I fully hold my hands up. I was, I was like, Oh, I’ll never do that. Oh, they’re having sweets oh I’d never do do that, you know, all the time. Um, and then, and then you almost become pregnant and, you know, you think you’re going to be this, you know, this mother nature, you know, human. I don’t know. I don’t know, but I’ve got, you’ve got this image of what you’re going to be and its like, yeah hold on a second reality hits and you know, you’ve got to do everything else that you did before, as well as like looking after a baby full time. So it’s quite difficult. 

Emily: [00:04:34] Oh, definitely. I’ve had exactly the same situation. I remember sort of sitting, having a coffee with my sister glancing over at another table where the parents were just sort of all on phones and the kids were on screens. And I remember kind of like slightly thinking to myself. Well, when I have mine, I’m not going to, I’m not going to do that. You know, then you very quickly realised it’s all those things are necessary when you’ve got the reality of having your own kids. It’s a completely different shift. Isn’t it? It’s a transformation in a way of thinking, um, no, a hundred percent agree with that. 

Carla: [00:05:08] Yeah. I think as well. I mean, now I look and I think, but yeah, we were going out for actually a meal tonight, which is really random, especially after lockdown. So I’m looking forward to that. But, tonight I mean the iPad is already on full charge because I’ve got it ready. I want to enjoy my frigging meal and that is how it works for me. So I never thought I’d be like that. But, you know, and I think sometimes the  comparing ourselves for me anyway, is I remember what I was like before. So I think other people must think like that too. And then almost, um, you know, trying to kind of not, I don’t want people to judge me, but then it’s, it’s so hard, isn’t it? Because it’s in every single situation and it’s like, Oh, have you done this? Or I did that. And it’s like, Oh shit. Yeah, crap. I haven’t even done that. I haven’t even spoke to my child today. You know, it’s half 12 in the afternoon and I’ve barely spoke to him. 

[00:06:10] So, um, Yeah. There’s a lot of things, um, that I think people during pregnancy even, like just assume, did you have that, um, obviously with your home, birth and stuff you had to tell people, did you have anything else around that? 

Emily: [00:06:25] Um, what, the, the fear of other people judging my decision-making? Yeah. With the hypnobirthing with, um, actually breastfeeding, all of that kind of stuff. You know, when the babies are born, they’re not, they don’t come with a manual do they? Telling you when you should be doing certain things necessarily and how you should be and know they don’t come with an instruction leaflet and you have to navigate your own way through things, working out what’s best for you and that individual child and the expectations that you have previously can be really different to the actual situation that you find yourself in with in reality with that particular baby is I think this is where as a mother, our head space needs to constantly be of checking in with ourselves thinking, right, well, what’s happening today and what how’s the child today? And what do I need to be thinking about and doing to make myself feel as good as I possibly can do. But in terms of I think we’ve got breastfeeding, for example, and feeding is a huge subject wondering, worrying what’s best or should I do what’s best for my child? How am I going to be judged? Um, it’s a huge colossal subject.

Carla: [00:07:41] And it’s almost scary sometimes to touch on that subject because people are. Very passionate about either way.  Whereas I think personally a fed baby and a happy mum is best. That’s my own, my own opinion, but I mean, I, during pregnancy, I actually, you know, even now saying I’m like, Oh, it feels weird about saying it, but I did not want to breastfeed. I just didn’t. I had this thing in my head. I don’t know why I had these images of like my father in law, walking in, I’ve got my tits out my dad, you know, I just didn’t want to do it. I really didn’t. And it was just one of those things I’d always said. And then when George came early, um, I mean, before that people like what you’re not gonna breastfeed? I was like no, I might actually I might, you know, like trying to cover over it. And then when he came early, obviously it was the best thing at the time. And I was sat, hooked up to this machine. And I just felt like a cow *slurping noises* I’d already been through the traumatic kind of birth side. And not much came out, but I did try because obviously it had come early. Um, but I did feel there was a lot of pressure around that where I just, um, obviously, you know, it is good for the baby and stuff, but it’s just so difficult to kind of touch on that subject. Obviously, you were a breastfeeding mom when you, so how did you find it?

Emily: [00:09:01] Yeah  I think being a hypnobirthing teacher, it was always sort of, kind of the idea that, you know, give it a, go, see how you get on with it sort of, you know, trust nature, all of that kind of stuff. So I sort of felt the expectation of, almost categorise that, that you will do that kind of thing. And I know that, sometimes it can be hard for some of my birthing mums too, um, when it comes to feeding to kind of, too if, if there’s, if it’s something that isn’t necessarily coming naturally to them. Um, and for me, I was. Breastfeeding for me was, was okay. It was fine. I actually enjoyed it. Um, I did find with my first one, I fed him up until about seven months. And then I had that wonder of is now the right time to stop this. I had all of that going on. Whereas each child I’ve had, it’s got longer, fed to them for longer. And then with that comes, the other issues of that, my child wants to be fed in public, for example, and that concern of what would other people think about that? Um, will they think that feeding, um, a, a one year old is odd in public.  All of that kind of stuff. And it’s getting to that point that actually. In whatever case, wherever you decide to do as a mum, you know, whether you bottle feed, whether you breastfeed, whether you mixed combination feed, whatever you decide to do at whatever stage that actually is no one else’s business, but to yours.

[00:10:27] As long as you are happy with your decision making, then that’s. The best situation to have and having that piece in your own head. Um, but sometimes like when it’s a new experience or it’s a, that’s a function of the body, which involves hormones and you might be sleep deprived or in the case of someone that’s just had a baby, your hormones, its a huge shift in hormones, sometimes that clarity of mind isn’t with us and the voices of what other people might think and other people’s comparisons and judgements cloud, our ability to think carefully about ourselves.

Carla: [00:11:02] I think assumptions as well. Like that’s, that’s what did it, for me. I mean, I think most people are similar to how we are, but then there’s odd people that will like kind of be very passionate and make it known. And they’re the people that were scared of what they’re actually a minority. I don’t think there’s actually a lot of people like that. And I think a lot of these, it  is in our head. Isn’t it? Um, And it’s are own, we are judging ourselves almost sometimes. 

Emily: [00:11:30] Yeah. No definitely putting up that kind of expectation for ourselves in a way. And yeah, no 100% completely get that. I mean, it’s stupid really. I mean, I, my third, I was sort of always sort of done baby wearing. So carry a baby in a sling or a carrier. And I sort of was concerned that people might think when she’s a bit of a hippie, but thats what my baby likes, they liked being skin to skin, like being able to smell me, all this sort of stuff. And I do some baby wearing training and the irony was I was going to this baby wearing training, but with my baby in a car seat. And  I remember walking in thinking, Oh, what if they think that’s, you know, they judged me for the fact that I’ve got my baby in a car seat which is just completely ridiculous. There was no chance that they were going to judge me on that at all, but that was a real thought in my head at that point , should I get my baby out of the car seat and put them in a sling as I walk in. 

Carla: [00:12:28] I know  it’s awful. Isn’t it? It’s like, do you know the only reason I would love to do that baby wearing, but you know what it was, may I fear for my own sons of safety. If I was in charge of putting a sling on and putting him in it, I honestly, I just wouldn’t dare, my mum actually got me a sling and I like tried him in it once. And I was like, no, this just doesn’t. This feels like it’s a disaster waiting to happen for me. And I probably should have gone to a class like yours because that would have helped me massively. But I think it’s so much easier. Isn’t it? I’ve seen people doing it at Georges school and I just think, Oh, they look so cozy. In fact, I wish someone would carry me in a sling sometimes.

Emily: [00:13:07] It is pretty cozy but yeah its down to the individual personality of the child as well. Isn’t it? So some of them liked to be worn in that way and others don’t. But, um, now I think one of my huge mummy moments of wondering about what other people think was probably when I discovered that I was pregnant for the fourth time. 

Carla: [00:13:27] Oh yeah. Yeah. 

Emily: [00:13:28] Talking about pregnancy and expectations and what people might think.  Because my saving definitely wasn’t planned. 

Carla: [00:13:36] Oh yeah. Oh really? Was it all kind of, cause I, do you know what I’d love to have four, but then I think God, I can’t even cope with one, but the thought of having four children, it sounds great. Like when they’re older. 

Emily: [00:13:51] Yeah. Well, exactly. I was done at three, I was done at three and hopefully she won’t listen to this in the future. But, yeah. So then it came as a huge shock that I discovered that I was pregnant with the fourth one. And the thoughts that went through  my head at the time of what will other people think, you know, will they think, Oh my God, she’s pregnant again. And you know, whether it was reckless or, you know, a bit stupid or, you know, how’s she going to manage or are this sort of stuff came into my head. And I was worried that I’d had three, you know, Um, healthy children, perhaps my luck would run out with a fourth and then something might happen or all of this crazy thinking just got into my head space, which now I just look back and think that was completely ludicrous, completely mental, and actually it was the best thing that ever happened, you know, she’s. She’s it’s amazing. She’s three now. It was amazing, but I still have to put up with sometimes people’s comments when I’m out in public with the, you know, things like cor blimey, you know, you’ve got your hands full.

Carla: [00:14:55] Yeah I’d be like do you want to take one? Here you go.

Emily: [00:15:01] I’ve actually had this on several occasions. Haven’t you got a TV at home? 

Carla: [00:15:06] Oh my God are you kidding?. No, sorry. I just like having sex with my husband. Sorry about that. You know, God, you know?

Emily: [00:15:17] Its crazy.

Carla: [00:15:18] Oh it is do you know why it really is. And like, that’s the thing, it’s those kind of comments that people don’t realize that actually we think about it a lot afterwards. Like, you know, when people make a comment and you just like, you can’t actually believe they’ve said it. And then afterwards, when you’re like on your way home, you like. Did they mean that? And then I think that plays on your mind that don’t, and then you think does that  for one think  like that, and then it kind of feeds into this kind of whole thing of like comparing ourselves. I mean, Ages ago when I, when I started My Bump to Baby on social media in particular, I remember seeing all these, um, mum’s mum bloggers, cause you know, that’s how My Bump to Baby started. And honestly, the house looked like it was off the Cribs. You know, I honestly, I don’t know how. I look around now even, and I’ve got KFC out from last night. And I think to myself, like I remember this one time. It was like this time when I just realised who I wanted to be on Instagram. And I moved all these toys to one side and I started filming and I thought, no, this isn’t real. So I push them all back in the way. And I was like, no, if I’m going to do this, I want to show parents like the real, the reality of all this kind of thing, because I think social media has a part to play because not only are we hearing, you know, oh does your son not sleep through yet? We’re also seeing like, you know, all sorts on social media. So you can’t really get away from this perfection if you know what I mean? 

Emily: [00:16:49] Yeah, definitely. It’s a completely um, different impression of reality, that’s put out there. It’s filtered, it’s edited. It’s you know, all of this kind of stuff. Like you say, things have been cleared away and there’s someone looking at that. Always has that, it creates that expectation. Doesn’t it? That, Oh, actually, you know what, when I have a baby, my life is going to be like that. Or when I have, you know, another child, I’m going to be able to do all of these things that this person’s put up on Instagram and yeah, no, I think it’s great that you’ve gone for a more. That, this is the reality. This is actually it, without any of the other editing or hiding things. 

Carla: [00:17:25] I know. Well do you know what? I actually am conscious about sometimes that it looks like I don’t like my son, like, I love him to bits, but I’m more for highlighting that side of it only because I know how I felt as a new mum and like, you know, Those times when, you know, we might have gone to McDonalds three times in the week, you know or whatever you really beat yourself up. And I really want people to kind of look at it and be like, yeah, it’s okay. As long as we’re all healthy and happy and you know, it’s all right to kind of just be yourself and sometimes not enjoy parenting every day, you know? 

Emily: [00:18:00] Yeah, no definitely, there are ups and downs and there are struggles and there are challenges, and this is sort of stuff that comes up a lot with the Mumma Mindset clients that I’m speaking to that are able to have that kind of confidential chat that says, you know what? I don’t feel like I’ve got a connection with that particular child or I’m really struggling, or actually, you know what? I lock myself away and I cry. They’re not putting on Instagram. They’re not telling their friends about it. Because it feels like it’s a taboo subject, but actually more people do need to think, you know what? I want to express myself. I want to tell people, even confidentially or, you know, happy, happy to put it out there, go for it. You know? Wow. That’s such a. A great way of being, um, but that actually stuff is going on. That people, there isn’t the glossy version of life. 

Carla: [00:18:48] Oh, I think, I think no one has this picture perfect life. I mean, the thing is what I’ve soon realised as I sit here with all this shit around me, I think you can’t have everything, you know, you can’t have it all together. Um, and you know, if your business is doing great. Then there’s probably an area, you know, you could improve on whether it be more exercise or eating healthier or a tidy house. I mean, something that I struggled with, is the tidying of the house and the expectations on maternity leave that I should have tea on the table, or should I have the house clean and stuff. And at first I did and I started putting too much pressure on myself and now I just think, no. No, I’m not doing it. I’ll do it when I want to do it. You know, my only thing Emily is like I tidy the house every day and I do, and I put things away and it’s tidy and clean, for  like probably what, 8% of the day. And then, but for some reason, people choose to turn up at the house. You know the other, Oh God, I’m shit maths, 92% of the time. And it’s like, I just want to be like, well, why couldn’t you come? Like when it was actually tidy and it smelled okay, you know. It’s so funny. I wish I could have something on my door. Like, you know, a flag almost like it’s safe. Come in now when the house is tidy, because when people come in, it’s a mess and there is like washing everywhere. I’m like, Oh, bet they think, I live like this all the time. You know, I don’t that 8% of the time. It’s okay.

Emily: [00:20:25] You find yourself apologising for it as well, I’ve done that before where someone dropped one of my children back or something, they been at their houses and they come in and, and you kind of have that moment of where you glance around and think oh, and you kind of find yourself apologising, you know? Oh, I was just in the middle of, 

Carla: [00:20:43] Just in the middle of Parenthood. 

Emily: [00:20:47] Yeah. Completely not happening, but you almost feel like you have to apologise for it rather than what you can do. And he’s saying, you know what. This is my life. And they actually respect that. I think it makes people more comfortable because I don’t know if you’ve had this as well, where you’ve gone for a play date at someone’s house, where it is pristine and everything is kind of polished and expensive. And I having four kids. Uh, you can imagine the scenario when I arrived.

Carla: [00:21:16] Oh, yeah. Yes, no.

Emily: [00:21:18] You are more uncomfortable if everything is pristine and you know, if there was a fingerprint, you’d notice it. And actually I feel better if it’s a little bit chaotic and more like reality. 

Carla: [00:21:30] Yeah. Same, I mean, I’m accident prone as well. Both me and my husband are so, when we’ve got a couple of friends that have pristine houses and every time we go, you know, there’s an accident, there’s a broken plate or, and it’s more often than not, it’s not George. It’s actually my husband. But, like, or, we knock a drink over something and it’s like, Oh God, you just want the ground to swallow you don’t you. But do you know, what I like about going to those houses is when I come back I’m like right, I’m going to try and do that. And the house is tidy for two days. And then I get back in the realms of real, real parent life. And it’s like, well, you know, I can’t, I can’t reply to these emails and tidy at the same time. So, you know? It’s funny, but after, after, um, you know, obviously having your baby, obviously each year, Um, it’s challenging in different ways, isn’t it? Because like, obviously the first year you’ve got like your maternity leave and some people are taking a year, maybe even longer if they’ve accrued holidays, some people that work for themselves, take three moments. Some people are taking nine, but they wish they could take more, but financially it’s not possible. And I think sometimes, um, you don’t want to say like what you, what you’re doing, because you don’t want to get that kind of judgment. You know, on that side as well. 

Emily: [00:22:49] Yeah, no, definitely. This is something we have quite a lot when we are doing hypnobirthing. How long do you think I should take off? And my friends taking X amount of what do you think about that? And it’s so dependent on that individual situation and the job that they’re doing and the pressures that, that job comes with it, the package, and whether they can realistically take that time off because of financial reasons and how much support they’ve got at home. And. There’s so many different facets of it. I think. Yeah. As mums, we tend to think that everyone is like a, it’s almost like some kind of random competition sometimes and rather that’s a massive wake up call that you know what? We’re all completely different. And our situations are vastly different. And so having a one size fits all thing, just isn’t going to work. But yeah, I remember thinking, Oh, should I take more time off or what so and so doing? Or even down to the things, the things the nursery furniture. you know everything it endless, isn’t it?

Carla: [00:23:45] Oh it is, it is. And do you know what? What you find yourself doing is actually making other people happy and not making yourself happy. If you live by this, you know, comparing and trying to kind of, you know, fit into, you’re never going to fit in with everyone’s, parenting because everyone is different, you know, people have different views and, you know, I I’ve just started thinking now like, yeah, it’s okay. You know, as long as he’s fed and happy and loved, you know, the rest is fine, whatever we decide to do. Um, but I do think, um, in like the year, the first year. All this baby weaning and all you doing baby led and are you not, and is your baby sleeping through? Oh, dare I say, are you hiring a sleep consultant? Which I think they’re absolutely brilliant. And I would kind of hire one if I needed one for George, but a lot of people won’t and then there’s like, co-parent sorry, the co-sleeping and stuff like that. That I just think, you know, um, people just judge too much, or we think they do, you know, it might even be that they’re not, but it these, these odd comments, um, that you get sometimes that make you think that everyone else is the same. 

Emily: [00:24:59] Yeah, no, definitely. And sometimes you end up sort of hiding what it is that you’re doing for fear of judgment. I can remember as you know, health visitors would suggest that or midwife after you’ve had a baby, your baby on your back and like this and the rest of it, and mine just love to sort of sleep on me, always felt this kind of idea that. I had to sort of say, no, no, they’re in there on their back and sleeping in this and all of this sort of stuff. And they loved sleeping on their front. And they loved sleeping on me, but to say to a first time, mum, that actually, it’s all right, to allow your baby to do what they need to do? There’s always this guideline and this fear of judgment and I’m getting it wrong. And all of this sort of stuff. Um.

Carla: [00:25:43] Yeah. Yeah. It’s just there and  probably, like you say, I mean, it’s probably a lot of it is in our, in our mind as well. Um, just because, um, I mean, I think parents nowadays are more laid back and you know, quite a lot of mums were looking forward to this podcast because it’s more kind of, you know, it’s not about, you know, all the butterflies and rainbows that we can paint during lock down. It’s just like reality, um, of not having time to do everything. So, I mean, yeah, just the other day, actually, I must tell you this story. Cause it made, well, it made me laugh. It’s like, so we went to Ikea the other day, which was, Oh God, I was so excited. I couldn’t actually sleep the night before.

Emily: [00:26:28] I bet.

Carla: [00:26:29] Yeah. So we went and we were getting George some like stuff for his play room. Um, and in the queue at the end, I mean, he’d been good the whole time. Um, and then in the queue at the end, he slapped me, full on, slapped me. Well, first of all, he slapped my bum and it was really loud and I just felt, Oh, you can imagine the queues at the moment. There was just all these people staring at me and I was like, Oh shit. Anyway. He did it again. And all these people just staring and I knew. I mean, if it was me, i’d have just let it slide because I was just like, well, you know, I want to get this play room furniture, but also me to make my life a bit easier. But anyway, I was like, right, George, we’re putting it all back. Anyway. I didn’t, I didn’t put it back obviously. And I marched him out of the Ikea, more for everyone else because I didn’t actually know what to do. I felt embarrassed. Um, anyway, in the car park, I crouched down to him. And, you know, and I said, George, you don’t hit mummy. Oh God. I got slapped in the face then right  and people were looking and it was so embarrassing. And I felt like I just didn’t know what to do when it’s like, that kind of thing in a shop where you just want another mum to come over and be like, it’s okay. You know, my son was a little twat this morning as well or whatever, but, you know, it’s just those looks of kind of disappointment that people have. And, you know, at the end of the day, there’s always going to be one kid kicking off and I just hate it when it’s mine.

Emily: [00:27:58] Oh, yeah, definitely. That’s the thing though. Isn’t it? I think you’re exactly right where every mum has been there in one form or another where their kid is kicking off. Right. It happens. It’s human. It’s like, of course they’re going to have be upset. They’re going to be over tired. They’re going to be hungry. They’re going to be moody. They’re going to just kick off, you know, but it’s that when you glance over and you just see someone looking, but the thing is, we always interpret that look of Oh, disapproval or they’re judging me, but what they’re thinking more than likely, like you say, Oh, my God I’ve been there, you know? Oh, that poor mom, should I go and do something oh don’t want to interfere. What if she takes it the wrong way. I wonder if she needs any help. They’ve already thinking all of this kind of stuff, you know, and not what is that we’re worrying about? 

Carla: [00:28:39] You are so right. I know. I mean, it’s a few times. Yeah, I have, I’ve actually sat in the car park and cried after it. You know, I think Lidl is the place that causes me the most problems, because for some reason, they’ve got these little trolleys now. I don’t know if you’ve seen them but God, once you’ve let a child do something once they remember don’t they? So George has this trolley. Oh my God. It is. It’s dangerous for those people in that shop with him running around there. And it is honestly, my heart is racing. I’m looking around, I’m sweating. He’s like going off in one direction. Danny’s in the other direction. I’m just thinking, Oh my God, what do I do? And it’s, it’s Oh. And then he seemed to have knows he’s in control. So then he starts saying stupid face to me the other day, I’m in this queue, stupid face. I was like, Oh my God. Stupid face. And everyone’s staring at me in the queue and you probably right. And they are probably thinking, Oh, let me help this woman. But then he starts shouting dead face. Oh my God. Get me out of here, get me out of here. And do you  know what I love more than anything and everyone is different. I love it. When someone comes over and tells him off because he actually shits himself. I love that. I love it when a mum comes over or dad. And like, I hope you’re behaving for your mummy. I’m like, Oh, it’s, it’s great. 

Emily: [00:30:03] It depends on what day that is for me. So some days I’ll be like, Oh yeah, like, laugh, laugh at that. Like, yeah, thank you. I needed that kind of thing. And then other days, You can’t. I feel like don’t, don’t speak to my child. You know, I’ve got this. It’s funny, depending on what triggers in you and that particular day. 

Carla: [00:30:20] Yes. you are so right. 

Emily: [00:30:21] So maybe that’s why people don’t often come over and say things to me. 

Carla: [00:30:26] Maybe we need like a wrist band or, something like a wristband, like speak. You can like speak to me today or judge me today or whatever, you know, like something that just says back the fuck off today. You know leave me alone today. But no, it is hard. And it’s those, those kickoffs. But do you know what I secretly love? You know, George has gone through this stage of like, you know, kicking off in front of all my friends and stuff. And just the other day, a friend of me, a friend of mine and me went for a walk and for once like probably one of the first times ever George was actually really, really good. And it was her little one that was kicking off and I was like, this is great. Like I enjoyed it and I did actually say to her this is great for me to see, because I thought you had it altogether and this is good, you know? Um, and I think it’s just understanding that everyone has those days and it’s just, you know, everyone has those days where their kid is the one that’s kind of kicking off a bit more. Um, and that’s okay. 

Emily: [00:31:33] Yeah, definitely is always quite nice to see someone else. If you were with a friend and know that actually yeah, my child, isn’t just the only child that has temper or says no, or, you know, whatever. And, uh, yeah, it’s, it’s, it’s normal. It’s all. Okay.

Carla: [00:31:48] It is. It is. Um, and I mean, what, another thing that I found quite difficult was weening because people have all these different opinions don’t they of like, Whether you should do the baby led one or whether you should do it a certain way, or whether you should do it that way. And I thought that was, that was quite a difficult one to know, because you’ve got so many different people telling you what they think you should do. Its hard,

Emily: [00:32:16] Definitely. I think it’s, it’s hard to know what the best thing is to do for your child. And until you kind of go out there and you do it, it’s all like, it’s a steep learning curve. Because we’ve never done it with our first child. We never done it before. So we’re always going to be looking to find out what is that mum doing and what is she using and what does her child like? Um, and sometimes it can be kind of a hotbed of different opinions and then you look back and you think, Oh, we’ve got, we got there in the end, but it is. It’s a challenging time. Um, getting to grips with something that’s new, like that. Definitely.

Carla: [00:32:52] Yeah. Yeah absolutely. 

Emily: [00:32:55] Baby led weaning suited me because I’ve always been quite like my mum would laugh or just put an Apple in front of them and just be like, there you go. Are you going to cut that up? Aren’t you going to puree, that? That, nah, they’ll be all right.  They’re just gnaw on that. That’d be fine. Baby led weaning it’s fine. Because it suited my sort of lazier like parenting style, or there’s no effort with that, I’m just going to put that in front of you.

Carla: [00:33:18] I think a lot of my worries were like I did the baby led weaning part but I’d be the edge of my seat, like, uh, like keeping an eye out because I don’t know why I just had that major horrible thing of like choking. And I was like, how does this work? Why, why, why is he doing that? Why’s he gagging? Why’s he gagging? What’s happening? It’s like, Oh God, um, it’s hard. And then some friends were like, look, just chill, just watch. It’s fine. Um, and you know, it’s the whole thing. I mean, I just think everything once you’re a parent, even down to your relationship and stuff like that, like, Oh, you’ve not had a date night in that long? Oh, Really? Oh yeah, no, we haven’t. I mean, me and my husband now, I just say Sundays and Wednesdays, that is it. You know, that is your night of romance. And I’ve also got these pyjamas. I put it on my Instagram the other day Emily. Don’t know if you saw it, but I’ve got these like, yeah, I’ve got these, don’t touch me pyjamas that he knows. Don’t try it on with me when I’m wearing these pyjamas. And that’s it. 

Emily: [00:34:26] That’s good cause thats a good little sign there. There’s not even any conversation needed.

Carla: [00:34:31] Exactly. Yeah. You don’t want the awkward like no I’m tired. I’m not in the mood or, you know, it’s just, you know, he knows when I’m in those, don’t touch me.

Emily: [00:34:43] Brilliant. Yeah, we have competition. Isn’t yours. Isn’t your husband doing any night feeds or do they ever change the nappy? I think as well with breastfeeding, he was like, well, that’s fine because you can just do everything. And I, you know, he didn’t literally do anything, like he put himself in the spare room because he thought he wants to get a good night’s sleep cause he was working, you know? So it was all of that kind of thing. The role shift and change. Some parents, but some parents are really hands on, like, you know, and they’ve worked together as a team and they divide the time and all of that. Whereas other people just don’t. And so then when you meet up your coffee mornings with your baby and someones saying, Oh yeah, my husband takes over from X time to X time and you’re thinking. Really hold on. 

Carla: [00:35:28] I love that you said that. I completely remember that actually. And it’s handy, you can use these things to your advantage sometimes. I used to just say like, Oh, so, and so’s husband does this. You know like. But you do, but some people just prefer the way they do it. And they like to kind of take over. I was the other way. I didn’t mind him taking over because, um, I mean, we very much did more co-parent just because I am a bitch when I’ve not had enough sleep. For his life and if he wanted it to be nice, he was better getting up. And he did two nights. It was similar to our sex life actually. But you did two nights a week, Tuesday and a Friday, the whole night, the night feeds. And that just gave me that long stint to just recover. Um, because I really didn’t cope well with no sleep. I had postnatal depression as well after George. So I think a lot of that, you know, the worst sleep I had, the more it affected me.

Emily: [00:36:33] Yeah. So your, kind of the way in which your family were able to manage things and your husband was able to manage things and to support you, you know, to keep you as positive as, as possible is to help provide that, the aspect that helped you. Um, and enabled you to have more sleep. So yeah, no, that’s, that’s good. I like the way you’ve got that week structured though. He knows. He knows what nights he’s got to do something. 

Carla: [00:37:00] You know sometimes, if you know, it doesn’t always get on those nights, but I think what it was is, um, when we had George, I was kind of like, Oh, it’s been two weeks and I used to have a really, Oh God, sorry if my parents listening to this, maybe turn it off now, mum, um, I used to have a really high sex drive, like really high. And then after George kind of obviously life takes over and you know, you put in all the, all the, um, I suppose, energy into other things aren’t you in different ways. And then it got to like a few weeks and  I was like, Oh God, I’ve not had sex. So I started saying, listen. We need to be doing it two nights a week. I mean, that’s quite good going, sometimes it doesn’t always happen on that Wednesday, if I’m working late, you know, might not happen, but we try to do it like that really. Um, just because it’s so easy to think. Oh, not tonight. Not tonight.

Emily: [00:37:54] But is he okay with that, like two nights? Or is he not asking for more?

]Carla: [00:38:03] Yeah, to be honest, I think it’s me that needs two nights more than him. I think he, you know, it’d be all right. Yeah. I think he’d be all right. Not having two nights, but I suppose having that there just. Makes you remember it, even if you don’t abide by that and it ends up being a Tuesday and not a Wednesday. It still keeps it at the forefront of your mind instead of just kind of covering it over and being like, yeah, yeah. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. So, you know, just having that in my mind, um, kind of makes me think about it and remember that we need to do it. Yeah. And when I get into it, it’s great. And I always say to him, after you should do this more. You know, I really liked that, but you know, it, um, 

Emily: [00:38:48] Oh, thats brilliant. I love it. So the thought at first isn’t that appealing, but then when you get into it, it’s,

Carla: [00:38:55] Well, I think you’re just so tired aren’t you? By that time. And George has been going to bed so late at the moment because it helps me cause he will lie in then. So I can work in the mornings. Like he’s still asleep at the moment. You wouldn’t believe it. It’s like, Oh gosh, we’ve been talking a long time. Its quarter to eleven in the morning, but he’s still asleep. But, that’s because he went to bed last night at half 10 and you know yeah. You know, another thing where I think, Oh, should I say it? But yeah, he did. And but he’ll sleep in and then I can get on with work in the morning. In fact, we both can, so it’s good for us. 

Emily: [00:39:30] Yep. And exactly you’ve got to do what’s right for you and for your family. And where does this kind of like this construction of time come from? It’s all made up. Isn’t it? At the end of the day you work with what works for you. Um, yeah, no i think thats. Yeah.

Carla: [00:39:46] It is. It is. And that’s it. I mean, if it’s like, um, if a, if a baby’s not sleeping through and then you’ve got someone saying, Oh, well, mine is, as long as the mum is happy with that. And they’re okay. And they’re functioning and they’re happy. It’s not a problem. Is it? It’s like, you know, we have this expectation, like, Oh, does yours sleep through? Oh no? Really? And it’s like, well, as long as you’re happy, who cares? You know, you might like get an up and seeing your child, like five times during the night, you know, everyone’s different.

Emily: [00:40:17] Oh, yeah. Well, I had a classic story this morning where I’m, I’ve just laid next to Alice. Pretty much to get her off, to sleep from when she was born. And she’s three now, pretty much every night. I just get into bed with her in her bed, obviously I didn’t put her in her cot, she was in my bed and then I would put, her in her cot when she was asleep, but there is all those different opinions on that kind of thing. But yeah, now I read her a  story lie next to her. She goes off to sleep like. She just snuggles into me. She sucks her fingers. It’s really lovely. But then last night she said to me, mummy, you don’t need to lie next to me. I’m a big girl and I wanna lie on my own. I just had this morning I had a conversation with my husbands were I had to say, Actually, you know what she’s telling me now, her opinion on how she wants things to be. And I’m gonna have to respect that. What have I been doing this for? I have been doing this for m. You know, she my last child, all of this sort of stuff.

Carla: [00:41:10] You say that you’d ever know.

Emily: [00:41:11] Oh yeah no that’s it now, that’s it now job done. Yeah. So now’s the time really like for me to, like let her just to go off to sleep on her own.

Carla: [00:41:23] I bet that’s quite sad though, because I think you think you’re doing things for the child sometimes. Oh, I know exactly what you mean. Oh, well she might change your mind tonight, you know, you’ll have to see. Oh no, is it it’s mad, but I mean, gosh, sorry. We’ve been talking ages haven’t we I’m pretty sure we’ve probably covered everything in terms of comparing ourselves. But it’s what else that you can think of Emily that you struggled with or that other, that your mum’s struggle with that we’ve not touched on. Cause I really want this episode to kind of help as many people as we can just realize that they’re normal.

Emily: [00:42:04] Yeah, no, I think we’ve pretty much covered everything to be honest with you. I think, yeah. The only other thing that I was going to mention is the idea of people being fearful when their child, their baby’s kind of crying in public, you know, what are other people thinking? But I think we’ve covered that when we were talking about how you felt when your little one was kind of kicking off and it’s exactly the same, you know, the fear sometimes of what people think can actually keep people indoors. Because they worry so much that if my child cries has a temper tantrum, or if it’s a very young baby and they’re uncontrollably crying and I’m not quite sure yet how to soothe them, I don’t know. It might create a little bit of a sense of being overwhelmed and actually, you know what it’s best not to go out today. So you think, wow, the actual, you know, we’re talking about comparison and there’s so many different aspects of it, but for some people. This is a massive issue that actually is limiting what they’re doing on a day to day basis. So I think hopefully what we’ve discussed and what we’ve talked about is actually do what’s best for you and be true to you. And don’t worry about anyone else’s made up stories that are in your own head. I think thats very important.

Carla: [00:43:08] I mean, I think so. And I think it’s as well. When you do see a mum with their shit together, she’s got her shit together at that time. Like you’re not with her the whole of the day. And you know, and sometimes the people that look the happiest and look the most, like they’ve got the shit together are the ones that are finding it the hardest, but perhaps don’t want to say. Um, and I know when my friends like admit something, like, I, I love it. Cause I think, Oh, you too? Like, one of my friends said the other day, like really didn’t like my child the other day and I thought, thank you. I didn’t, I didn’t like mine the other day. And it’s okay like to say that, it doesn’t mean we don’t love them or it doesn’t mean we’re not enjoying, you know, being a parent. But we’re just not enjoying it that day. Um, and it’s okay to say that. And I remember, um, years ago, um, someone said to one of my friends, like, I can’t believe you said that about your child. And she was like, but, that’s how I fell. I just wanted to share it. And she was like, but I just don’t like that you said that. And I thought. She was actually suffering with postnatal depression at the time. And I didn’t like that someone has said that to her because that was her freedom of speech. That was her time to let it out. And, you know, and, um, I think just if someone wants to rant, let them, you know, just don’t cut them off or judge them.

Emily: [00:44:32] No exactly. Cause all they’re going to do then is suppress it and think that they can’t be true to what’s going on in their head. And then what does that teach them? That I’ve just got all these sort of bubbling emotions in my head space and that no one will listen to me and validate my feelings and then it makes the problem worse because then they think that they’re a bad mum or all of this kind of stuff, rather than just seeing it as a temporary situation at that time, they then categorise themselves as having some kind of issue, which actually. They haven’t at all, it’s normal. It’s normal to have up days, down days, days where you feel that actually my child perhaps doesn’t love me, or I’m having a bit of a funny day with them or they’re triggering something in me. That’s a huge one. When you look at your child and they remind you of somebody else, like in your family or your partner and they do know what I mean? They bring out emotion that you have about your husband and not about the kid, but suddenly they’ve become, they said something and it just triggered a thought in your head, which says you’re just like your dad. 

Carla: [00:45:27] Yeah. Yes. 

Emily: [00:45:29] And you’re  thinking I really needs to speak to them about that. They need to stop doing that because that’s coming out in the child now. And you’ve got to voice is stuff you can’t bottle it up. You really can’t.

Carla: [00:45:41] Oh, you can’t, you can’t. And I think it’s always, unfortunately the way of the world and the fact that we do always compare ourselves, you know, hopefully this will make this episode, will make people feel better, but it is, it’s very hard to get away from this, especially with social media, this image of perfection. Um, and, and I think sometimes, maybe what I do with my Instagram is I follow people that aren’t the perfection type, not anything against that perfection. It’s just, doesn’t make me feel good? So now I follow people that make me feel good. Um, and you know, make me feel a bit more normal. Um, so I think it’s important to, you know, if, if you are finding on your Instagram, you’re scrolling through, you know, pages and pages of perfect parenting. That’s great sometimes, but also maybe follow people that are a bit more like true, um, and show the other side because yeah, there are times in my life, it could, you know, if I got the camera out sometimes and the house is tidy, there are bits of perfection out there, you know, in everyone’s life. There’s also a lot of well, you know, un perfect moments too. And it’s just where it’s, wherever you choose to flash that camera really isn’t it, you know, it’s just, it’s just that time. So, um, I think  with social media I mean, how do you find that Emily? Cause you’re on Instagram as well. Aren’t you? 

Emily: [00:47:01] Yeah, I think it’s right when you say.  Gravitate towards the people that make you feel better, you know? And so some people  want to look for that aspect of normality. They want to make sure they want to see that there are other people out there that are like them. Um, and I just, I, it’s also looking at the purpose of the particular account. Isn’t it? And knowing, I mean, from my point of view, from the Mumma Mindset company point of view, I’m hoping to inspire and uplift and be that kind of positive thing that, that sort of shows people that actually there is a different way of thinking about things and try to inject that sort of sense of energy into the day so that people feel like, Oh, you know what? Yeah, I’ve got a bit of inspiration there. I’m going to ditch the negativity and I’m going to feel better about myself. But I always try to keep things like the stories, a little bit of, you know, the stuff that’s going on in my life. What’s happened that day, a call that I’ve had that perhaps, you know, has been great for the but obviously that’s not all shiny and lovely because they’re at the starting point of this, this, you know, the system that I’m going to take them through. Um, and so that’s good because that is normality that’s like, you know what? I’ve had a call today with someone she’s been in floods of tears, and I’m going to take her through a process which is going to guide her to. Forgetting the stories, letting go of comparison, really thinking about who she is and being true to that. Um, so yeah, and no definitely social media has got a lot of different aspects to it and it’s seeking out what makes you personally feel good and identify that.

Carla: [00:48:33] Definitely. And in fact Emily my next thing was just going to be, where can people find you when and a bit about what you do? So, um, people can get in touch  if it’s something that they want to look at. 

Emily: [00:48:44] Yeah, no definitely, so I’m on Instagram, which is @mummamindsetcompany and I’m a clinical hypnotherapist, mum of four. So my Mumma Mindset packages take people from a place of feeling anxious, overwhelmed, uncertain. And I look at past behaviours, habits, emotions that might be locked in their subconscious and really get to the, the  root of what might be causing them to feel a certain way and unlock that from that subconscious part of their mind. And then boost their confidence and positivity and get them to create new habits in their life, which are more uplifting. And really have that kind of accountability with me. So they’re able to kind of feed back, you know, what? I felt like this today and to be really open and honest about their emotions. I think everyone really needs that confidential place, that sounding board to help them shift through different emotions that are having. And without that fear of agenda or worry or concern or judgment, actually, you know what? I can use me as a point of contact to offload stuff too. And I’m going to help you see through what’s clouding your judgment and I’m bring you out the other side. So in a very nurturing, supportive way.

Carla: [00:49:59] Thats great. That is something a lot of mums need. 

Emily: [00:50:02] Yeah, it’s extremely powerful stuff. It creates real amazing transformation in people sinking, ditching the stories that we hold about ourselves and carving out a new identity. 

Carla: [00:50:14] Oh i like the sound of that. Can you put me in the Bahamas? On my own? 

Emily: [00:50:20] Oh, you know what? Your subconscious doesn’t know the difference, between fantasy and reality. So if you work hard enough, imagining being in the Bahamas on your own and all of the sights, the smells, the atmosphere, you close your eyes right now. You would have a feeling of serenity.

Carla: [00:50:36] Oh I have and the heatings on as well. So that even makes it more real. Oh yeah. No I love that Emily and I love what you’re about and, and, your business and stuff. So it sounds fantastic. So everyone, thanks. Thanks very much for listening today. Um, and uh, I think we’ve spoken a lot around the subject, so hopefully you’ve got something from it. And Emily thank you so much. 

Emily: [00:50:59] Thanks for having me .

Carla: [00:51:01] Thank you. 

[00:51:04] Thank you so much for listening to this week’s episode of 50 Shades of Motherhood. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I hope you guys did too. If you are enjoying the podcast so far, which I really hope you are. And if you’ve got this far, why are you still listening? If you don’t? But, I would absolutely love you to subscribe and leave me a little rating. It means the world to me, and also helps me out massively, especially when I go to Danny and tell him that I’m going to doing series two fingers crossed. So. I look forward to speaking to you next week and keep an eye on the Facebook page and Instagram. So you know who the next guest is, if you will absolutely love it. I know it

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