Carla: [00:00:00] Hello and welcome to 50 Shades of Motherhood, uncensored, unhinged and unapologetic motherhood chats around the highs, the lows, the struggles, everything really. Um, so I am Carla LeE and I will be your host for 50 Shades of Motherhood. A bit about me is I am the founder also of My Bump 2 Baby, which is the UK is leading pregnancy to preschool directory. [00:00:31] I’m mother of one. Um, and three angel babies. I have suffered with postnatal depression, depression in general, anxiety. I’ve got major health anxiety and I’m just an over- sharer and that is a bit about me in a nutshell, I suppose. So, um. Basically with 50 shades of motherhood. This podcast is basically an informal, honest chat around motherhood, raw and in detail, and hopefully very un-edited. [00:01:11] The only =me I am actually going to try and edit this as if I’m requested to by someone that is coming on the podcast or, I you know, mess up and say something I really shouldn’t have said, which me with a no filter it could be fairly dangerous. But anyway, so I’m really excited to launch this podcast. [00:01:33] I’ve wanted to do it for ages. And the reason why I’ve wanted to do it is because if you follow me on Instagram, you will see that I love oversharing, the struggles of motherhood. Most people’s. Mum bloggers, especially their pictures on Instagram are amazing. They are amazing mothers. You know, they’re there, you know, showcasing the world of all these preEy pictures, which is fantastic. [00:01:59] But for me, I highlight the other side, the tantrums, the shits in the bath, you know, the crying because I’ve had enough. That is what I highlight. And that is what I’m about. I’m an over-sharer. Well, maybe perhaps their negative side. And the only reason why I do that is because I feel that us as parents, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be perfect, which is impossible. [00:02:26] You can’t be perfect at everything. So at the moment, you know, I’m running a national business, also trying to be a mum, good mum to George, but I’m also trying to get healthy meals down him, I’m trying to keep the house tidy. I’m trying to keep my sanity during this lockdown and, I’m failing. I’m failing in probably four out of the five areas and one of the areas I’ll be exceeding in and the other four you, like you know, the plates come crashing down, that is just life. Sometimes the house is clean and sometimes when the house is clean, [00:03:00] I’ve not replied to some emails or sometimes when the house is not clean, you know, I’m working on massive projects with My Bump 2 Baby. It’s a balancing act. Being a parent is a balancing act and it is about being just accepting that life as a mum is not always perfect and we are always going to feel mum guilt but, if we can share our stories together and are honest kind of chats together, then we can actually, grow and actually realise, actually we’re not alone. Yeah. George had Weetabix for tea three nights this week, or you know, George had a ravioli for breakfast. You know, like as long as someone out there benefits from this podcast and listens to it and just thinks, do you know what? I’m not doing that about job Carla is actually doing far worse than me, then that’s fine. But the main aim for me with [00:04:00] this is just at the end of the day, we all love our children. We do, but we are also people. We’re not just mothers. We are people, and we need to enjoy our lives. We need to stop pu^ng pressure on ourselves, and we need to accept that we are amazing. [00:04:17] You know, we’re first aiders, we’re teachers, although I’m not at the moment, I should be during lockdown. But you know, I’ve decided, you know, that teaching side of it is just not for me. But you know, we are teachers in our own right. First aiders, storytellers, cooks, cleaners. I mean, what is it is there that we don’t actually do? [00:04:39] So this podcast is just about. Life as a mom, uncensored, live uncensored mum chats. One thing we don’t do is we won’t. It isn’t probably the ideal place for very over opinionated people. You know, I’m very much, you know, breastfeeding is great so’s bottle feeding, you know, as long as the baby’s fed, I don’t care. [00:05:07] You know, like that is very much me. So if you are very. Pro something and you know, you don’t want to hear that kind of stuff. It’s probably not the podcast for you. And that’s fine. We’re not going to appeal to everyone bolt. We all gonna make mums feel better. And hopefully with me, you’ll have some laughs on the way. [00:05:27] Um, the benefit of listening to my podcast is I am also known by my friends as. No filter, Carla, which is great in a group of friends. Fairly, scary when it comes to a podcast. But do you know what? I’m going to take that risk and hopefully you guys will enjoy it and you will laugh along with me. [00:05:51] Maybe at me. I don’t know, probably. But if you’re on this podcast and you know, and. You just want to say, I don’t like my kid today. That is okay. We love them, but we don’t have to like them all the time. This whole podcast is just for being real, being honest, and just being you and no judgment around here. [00:06:14] I want people to be able to listen and talk freely and around many, many different subjects that many of us struggle to talk about. I, I mean, for me personally, I suffled with suffled. Can I even get my words out? I mean, this is like ridiculous, isn’t it? And one thing I’m not going to be doing is going back and editing the podcast left, right, and centre. [00:06:38] I just. Don’t have time. And also I like raw materials. So apologies for any words that I over trip. I talk very quickly and I actually spit when I talk, which is probably why I’m better on a podcast than I am on a video. Um, so. Yeah. Where was I? So a bit about my background is I am Carla and I was an accountant and I just literally qualified a few days before I had my son. [00:07:07] I had no intentions of starting My Bump 2 Baby at all, literally, I don’t even know how it happened. I like writing and I like oversharing and I suppose that, that is how it came about really. I started writing, I started oversharing, but the main reason why I started it is because. Afer George was born, I suffled with suffled. I’ve said it again, Jesus Christ. I suffered with postnatal depression and PTSD. Um, basically, let me go back to the start. Okay. So this episode is just with me at the moment, to be honest. So that is why. I’m talking a lot, don’t worry. You know, we will have all the guests on here and you’re probably thinking, Jesus Christ, she talks, she talks a lot, and I do, but I just want you to know me before you listened to the other episodes so you’ll know exactly why I’m doing this, and hopefully some of you might be able to relate to me. [00:08:05] Um, so yeah, back to the beginning. Um. I was qualified as an accountant. I my, me and my husband, we met, we got engaged very quickly. I came off the pill because I was like, I need to get my body ready for future as a mother, you know, so I came off the pill. We, we said we would do the pullout method. I mean, I listen to advice from my friend that has three children under three at the time, who advised me. [00:08:36] You know, it was a good idea. I mean, I don’t know what I was thinking, but I listened to her. And then one night I was at my friend’s house and she was weirdly talking about childbirth, and I just started going really dizzy and then I fainted. Anyway, I woke up and I was like, I knew it was something wrong because I never fainted, but I did not for the life of me think that I could be pregnant. [00:08:59] I mean, he pulled out for God’s sake. So anyway, um, basically ended up at the Victoria hospital in Blackpool. The doctor was like, is there any way you could be pregnant? It’s like, no, absolutely not. No way. Anyway, it was like, did a pregnancy test, did a couple of other tests, came back. He was like, you’re pregnant. [00:09:18] I thought. What? How anyway, Google answered a lot of those questions. I probably should have Googled before I spoke to my friend about the pullout method but, you know, it was one of those things, so. Anyway, I’m kind of glad I didn’t, obviously, because I’ve got my son. That’s probably what I should have said. [00:09:41] But you know, at the time it was a bit of a shock cause we were due to get married. So George was due in the June and I was due to get married. Sorry. We were, but you know what? Weddings are like. It’s about the bride, isn’t it? You know? Um, I was due to get married in March anyway, so I thought for God’s sake, I can’t even get [00:10:00] pissed at my own wedding, which was annoying and, my hen due was already booked and I was off to Amsterdam and there I was six months pregnant in Amsterdam dressed as a nun, sat in a sex show. I mean, you can’t write shit like that so. Anyway, so nothing kind of went to plan as it should have done. And, uh, but I was okay with that, you know, that is just life. And it was fun and it was great. And we were happy to have George. But basically when I was due to get married, you know, there was other things that happened. My father, he had a heart attack a couple of days before my wedding. I had a low lying placenta. So I was bleeding constantly, had to be going in and out of hospital. You know, they kept saying it could lead to a bigger bleed. The baby could come at any time, you know, there was a lot going on. You probably won’t get married , in the end I did manage to get married, but without my dad. That broke my heart cause he’s like my best friend. And then a month afer my wedding, seven weeks before you should’ve made her arrival. George came and it was a very traumatic birth. I mean the, what blood there was just literally blood everywhere. [00:11:09] It was a bit traumatic, really. Um, and for someone that is a massive phobia of death and health related to anxiety, to be constantly told that, you know, should have died, you would have died if you’re at home. I mean, it’s great telling me that, but actually, you know, it is going to make me a bit anxious anyway, so that’s what happened to me anyway, that kicked off the postnatal depression, the anxiety, you know, beating myself up because I didn’t bond with George straight away because he had to stay in hospital for three weeks and he didn’t come home. So I went home. The fact he’d come home early, the fact is when, when he first was born, I mean, I walked into the ward and you know, to see him, in fact, I wouldn’t walk. That’s an a complete and utter lie. I was wheeled into the ward, I think it was a day or two later after he’d been born, and I was wheeled in and I remember looking at someone was changing his nappy and I just remember thinking, he’s not mine. [00:12:12] Just didn’t feel like he was, man. I remember asking the midwife, the neonatal work nurse too. I remember saying to it, could I, could I hold his hand? And she was like, yeah, yeah, of course. And having to ask permission to hold her own child’s hand. I mean, it broke my heart and I was walking from George’s ward to my dad’s, cause my dad had had another heart attack and it was just a very, difficult kind of time for me and I still struggle with it now. I mean, he’s four. My little boy is four and I still struggle with that whole thing. In fact, the other day I actually rang at minds matter because my friend had said like. You know, there’s been a lot of things that I’ve been through recently. [00:12:55] Um, I’ve lost my twins at 16 weeks, but you’re short of 16 weeks. So whether they were to have to give birth to them, George, obviously with a C section, I was terrified of birth. So that was another thing that I. Probably not fully dealt with. I’m absolutely happy to talk openly about, and then afer them, I had another pregnancy loss that six weeks and here I am now, not pregnant, but you know, happy with life and grateful for all the good things that I do have and trying to use all of the experience that I, experience, that I’ve gone through in a positive way I guess a positive manner, if that makes sense. So I want anyone who is struggling or I’m going to kind of go into more detail on all the, all of these different subjects as we get special guests on and we can talk openly, et cetera. I don’t really want to tell you everything straight away, although probably have actually pull out method. [00:13:58] Yeah, I’ve told you that , premature birth, the twins, basically you might as well wrap up now. Might as well be the end of the podcast. Now, you know, I’ve told you everything. No I’m really excited to get some special guests on and talk to other people about, you know, things that they faced. And a lot of these people will be people that are all business owners now that have grown as a result of their struggles maybe, or their experiences. [00:14:24] And I just want it to be. Chats, just chats, obviously. I’m really like talking. I think I’ve said the word chats probably about a lot. I’m actually going to go back and count it afer but. I’m actually nearly 15 minutes in. Do you know, it’s quite funny actually, because every time I do a voice.. to our friends that were always like, for God’s sake, it’s 10 minutes long. [00:14:48] How do you talk for that long? I don’t know. It just kind of comes out as things come into my head. I talk so. Anyway, a bit about where I want this motherhood, 50 Shades of Motherhood to go. It’s going to be a series of 12 episodes and they’re going to have special guests on were just going to be talking. [00:15:08] It’s no pressure. After one series, we might decide, you know, we’ve not got time anymore. The lockdown is over and we’ve got no time. Or if you guys are really like loving it and you know, we’ve managed to find enough time to do 12 more, I would love to do that. Let’s just see. Where this goes. And that’s what I’m all about at the moment [00:15:29] Um, yeah, so that is a little more about me, a bit of an introduction on 50 shades of motherhood. And I’m really looking forward to sharing other people’s stories with you guys and interviewing other people that have been through difficult times and come out the other side, laughing, um, and enjoying life. So I look forwards to speaking to you all again soon.