The Next Chapter
The loss of a baby is so incredibly hard; it’s painful emotionally; physically and mentally. So many people provide words of comfort often it’s hard to find what to say. A friend messaged me after a week or so saying that she didn’t know what to say but realised saying nothing was worse. Some tried words of wisdom. “Everything happens for a reason” is probably my most hated cliche now. Was there a reason my baby died? Was there a reason my waters broke? How can any good come of this?
A phrase I’ve heard more often is “I can not imagine what you are going through” this I have appreciated as they understand the magnitude of what’s happened and they have not been through it themselves. “You’re coping really well” is another; am I though? I’m not a big drinker but I had cleared off a bottle of Jack Daniels over the best part of 2 or 3 weeks with other drinks here and there added in. I have just about managed to get on with every day life; as we have a dog we have had to get out the house on walks; I started to go back to the gym but funds were tight at the time so the gym I joined was quite far away.
Over the weeks after we lost our little girl we tried to find focus; things to keep us busy. My husband bought me a Pandora charm with the March birthstone one day in town. The assistant asked what I was doing for my birthday; I blankly replied ‘nothing’. It was not the time or the place to blurt out this was for the baby we had just lost. I continued with my bullet journal and my husband was training for an ultra marathon. I had booked months ago to go with him to Scotland and luckily I had arranged that my sister was to stay in the cottage with me so I wouldn’t be alone. Had this not been the case I might have cancelled but I thought it would be good to get away from reality for a few days.
By the time our trip to Scotland arrived I had finally stopped bleeding; the milk had finally stopped coming and I was starting to feel relatively normal. My husband and his running buddy went up a day early on Thursday and my sister came up on Friday morning and we spent a day out at our not so local but drivable quirky book shop. We had lunch in the cafe and she scampered about the books and I stayed in the cafe and wrote in my journal. I had started a journal for the pregnancy, I decided to seal up with washi tape all these pages with the scans. I didn’t want to destroy them but I didn’t want to see them all the time. I still use the rest of this book for days where I just want to write and ramble. I have another book with the monthly and weekly layouts.
After a few hours there we ventured back and visited Asda on the way home. We’d made a list which consisted of meals; snacks and alcohol. We watched trashy TV and ate pizza ready for the 3 hour drive in the morning.
The rest of the weekend consisted of me sneaking ovulation tests; walking; eating, drinking and trying to stop my dog chasing cars and barking at strangers. I was very proud of my husband when he completed the run; I think it was around 70 odd miles of trail running up the mountains. Yes, we have discussed his sanity many times. On our last day there, I saw a peak ‘static smiley’ on the digital test but the strip tests were still negative. We still tried our best that week anyway. Who knew how long it would take us to get pregnant again. It took us 11 months and one early MC to get pregnant with our little girl.
The two week wait was different this time; I was almost happier with ignorant bliss. Two days before I was due to get my period I started spotting; well of course I thought meant that I would get a negative and that would be that. On the way home from work on the Friday evening the weather was awful; pouring rain most of the way home then just as I was taking my turn off I looked and saw not one but two rainbows.
That same evening; we took the dog for a walk and saw three more. I didn’t want to think this was a sign but it’s so hard not to. The very next morning I got a faint positive but continued spotting. I was in the same limbo I was in last June with the early miscarriage. After the end of the bank holiday weekend I tested again and the test was so much stronger. I called my GP and the hospital to pass on a message to my consultant. They advised me because of the spotting to call Gynea Emergency to see what they advise. So I did, and they advised me to come in that afternoon to check everything was in the right place and ok.
After a scan and blood test they confirmed I was most definitely pregnant again. We were cautiously optimistic. I had my appointment for counselling shortly and we could discuss our fears and anxieties at length there. They scheduled us in for bi weekly scans and for the next few weeks we carried on in the best way we could.
As scans progressed we were gradually getting more optimistic; especially after they found the heartbeat. That day we went to the Birthing Centre to donate the blanket I had finished and they introduced us to the person who helps run the tear drop charity. She told us that the brass leaf with our little girls name on was ready. We were taken downstairs to the chapel to add this to the memory tree.
As I reached the 8 week mark, at the time I didn’t even notice my symptoms start to fade and by 8+2 I woke in the morning and saw brown discharge. I started to worry; yes this could be normal but my track record is not great. I called the Gynea department for their advice and they said to keep watch on it. I wasn’t reassured though. at approx 7pm that evening I started to bleed. This can’t be happening; not again. Please not again.
I called the hospital Pregnancy Assessment unit; and spoke to a lady who we’d met only the week before; the lady from Teardrop. She advised us to go to A&E to be seen there as there would be someone on call able to scan me. We had an agonsing wait again; to be triaged; then seen by a doctor then to decide what they were able to do. After three hours we were sent on our way; they couldn’t see us for a scan until the following morning.
Such an awful night; I didn’t sleep much. I keep trying to tell myself that it would all be ok and the bleeding would stop.
We arrived early the following morning; we were so confident that everything was going to be ok that we took two cars and husband was dressed for work. At first I thought that they were not going to scan me as this was only a week after our last scan and we had another in a weeks time. I was taken into the other room though and she got the scan ready; looked around a bit then said it would have to be internal. I knew the drill so I got ready and sat down again. She looked over the scan and after what felt like forever and just said “I’m so sorry; there’s no heartbeat.”
I sobbed. I couldn’t control the crying; I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t move. I just wept.
I got dressed again still crying and the nurse took me to the chair; I was scared. I didn’t know what was going to happen or how or how long it was going to take. After I had calmed down they said I could come back to go through the options. In the back of my head I knew I didn’t want this to take long; I wanted minimum pain after last time. The gave me the options and I opted to go for the procedure where they use a syringe. This was scheduled for the following morning at 8:30am.
We drove home; upset and dazed but we did not want to stay in the house all day. We called our parents to let them know the news and decided to take the dog and go for a long walk up the coast. Through the day I knew I could start to bleed and miscarry at any time. I had another restless night; apprehensive of the procedure the following day.
I woke early; like so many times before I visited the toilet to find quite a lot of blood. Then I felt something pass. Like a clot but bigger; but not as big as the clots I’d had at the beginning of the year. I had that sinking feeling I had just lost my baby down the toilet. I told my husband but knew we were better to keep our appointment as they will be able to check this.
We arrived very early again; but we were seen early. I told the nurse what had happened and she said to do a scan to check. She confirmed that I had passed the sac. The procedure was not needed and we could go home. After preparing to be in the hospital for most of the day we were on our way home before 10am. This was now our third miscarriage; our third baby lost.
Before we started trying again I said I was ready for this; I was ready for what could potentially go wrong. I’ve been broken again; I’ve cried for the life we thought we could have with our baby. Are we ready to try again? I have thought about this and although there is heartache if it does not work out; we really won’t get any where unless we try again.
I have been told that the pathology results are back and we will discuss these with my consultant on the 20th July. We will have more information to move forwards and hopefully one day we will get our rainbow baby.
Photo by Carolyn V on Unsplash
Blogging about being a mummy after surviving miscarriage. Lover of cheeky wipes and organisation.
Leave a Reply
Want to join the discussion?Feel free to contribute!