Is the Naughty Step a thing of the past?
Fact Checked
3rd January 2024
I’m pretty confident that if you asked a group of parents what the naughty step is, they would know. Whether this is because it’s a parenting approach they use or perhaps was used on them in their childhood, or something they’ve heard about on Supernanny is irrelevant. What’s important is understanding what it actually is and what the research tells us about it.
What is the Naughty Step, and Where Did it come from?
The naughty step is quite simply a step (or place in your house/environment) where you place your child when they have behaved in a way that you feel wasn’t good. Originally the idea behind it was that children should be punished for their behaviour so they would learn not to repeat it again, and that by placing them somewhere on their own, they would be forced to think about what they’d done.
It was pretty common practice in the 90’s. However, a lot more is known now about children’s behaviour, how they learn and the impact of different parenting approaches in the long term. If you’re reading this and thinking, but I use the naughty step or an equivalent like time out, and you’re now worried, please don’t panic. We all do our best, and we can’t make changes to do better if we don’t know better.
So consider this your permission to forgive yourself and read on to learn more about the long-term effects and some alternative approaches that might work better for you.
If you’re thinking that the naughty step didn’t do me any harm or it works, then I would encourage you to remain open minded and consider what I have to say next before making any final decisions.
Why the Naughty Step Might Not Work
The reasoning behind placing children on a naughty step or in time out seems to make sense; you want them to understand what they did was bad and to learn from it. But the problem is that children aged 2-8 years old (the most common ages for this approach to be used) need support and guidance from us in order to learn. Simply leaving them for some time by themselves isn’t going to enable them to understand how they could have responded differently.
It also isn’t going to help develop their emotional regulation or skills around managing disappointment, frustration etc. To help our children learn those skills we need to role model how to behave and nurture where our children are at so they have the confidence and ability to grow.
Real-Life Scenario: When Traditional Methods Fail
Imagine your 3-year-old wanted to play with a car that your 5-year-old was playing with. Instead of asking them for a turn or waiting for a go, they march up to their big brother and grab it from them. The Takeawaythe older child isn’t happy with this, and before long, both children are screaming and shouting, and the toy car gets thrown across the room.
Now you could place each of them in time out or on the naughty step for 3 and 5 minutes (because the duration should always be their age in minutes apparently), but how does that teach them the skills they need to navigate similar situations? It doesn’t. In fact, fear and punishment-based approaches to parenting, like the naughty step, can damage your connection to your child, make your child feel ashamed for their actions and even encourage your child to lie in the future as a way of avoiding getting told off.
So, what is a better approach?
Instead, we want to remain regulated ourselves, get down on their level and, as long as everyone is safe, allow them both to be heard.
This is how we maintain a strong connection with our children by helping them feel understood – notice it isn’t agreeing with them! Then we remain neutral and depending on your child’s level of development, we can validate their feelings of frustration at not being able to wait or of annoyance that the toy was snatched (this helps them to recognise and label emotions).
Next, we might look at ways to support them moving forward by offering curiosity or suggestions such as ‘Hmm, I wonder what we could do so you both get to play with want you to want to play with?’ Depending on your child’s abilities, you might need to prompt them, or the best way to navigate the situation might be to find alternative things for them to do and then return to the concept of turn taking etc, at a later date. Ultimately, at that moment, your child feels seen, heard, and accepted and is given tools to support their emotional development and conflict resolution.
The Take-Away
This isn’t learned from being isolated on a naughty step, and let’s be honest, your child is likely to repeat the same behaviours which ends up fuelling your own annoyance. At this point the naughty step can be used more as a punishment and a way of you trying to regulate your emotions rather than a tool for learning! It doesn’t make you a bad parent, you just didn’t know the other options. Now you do, you can continue to learn more about this approach and how it can help you and your child in the long term.
Contact Me
If you want to understand more about positive ways to parent your child that encourage emotional development, connection and skills for life, you can follow me on social media or check out my website:
www.thepositiveparentcoach.co.uk
https://www.facebook.com/oliviaedwardscoach/
https://www.instagram.com/thepositiveparentcoachuk/
The Positive Parent Coach®️. Olivia helps Parents stay calm, develop their confidence and stay connected to their children when experiencing a range of challengesOlivia has over 15 years experience in Psychology, Education and Child Development. She has published 2 scientific papers, trained as a specialist in The Early Years and completed training in Theraplay. She has also continued to develop herknowledge and training around Positive Psychology and Positive Parenting, as well as Internal Family Systems therapy. She has a 5 year old, a 3 year old and a 2 year old, so you can trust that she really does understand the challenges and demands of motherhood, and how to juggle responsibilities.
