My Bruises Were Impossible to Hide
Five years have passed since I found the courage to take that very first step and free myself from years of domestic and economic abuse. Never in a million years would I have thought that my best friend, the person I believed was the love of my life and the father of my beautiful daughter, would be the one to destroy my life.
It took me a long time to realise that I could not continue living like that, that behind the closed doors of our household was a living hell. I kept making excuses because of the tough times he was going through. I wanted to keep my family together and did everything I could to support him, giving him a chance to fix his problems. But things only got worse—from verbal abuse to controlling every aspect of my life, including how much I could work, what I did, who I talked to, and where I went.
His priorities were crystal clear: himself and no one else. And things gradually escalated, both psychologically and physically. I never imagined this would happen to me. There were times when everything seemed fine, but it quickly descended into madness again, growing worse over time. No one ever spoke to me the way he did those days. The things he said to me were just madness. I was called all kinds of names (“whore”, “white trash”, a “not educated moron” because I never went to university). Additionally, I am dyslexic, a farm girl, and perceived as a slave because I worked all my life. Then, it turned physical; he would slap me, poke me, spit on me, pour water on me, wake me up at 3 am, and start beating me while shouting things like ‘white people can’t be trusted,’ ‘you’re a paedophile,’ ‘you’re all strange.’ This madness began when he joined the university, and strange things started happening. He’d burn sage in the house until it created a dense fog, making it impossible to see. Many times, I’d return from work and nursery with my child, and the flat would be so smoky that I’d end up crying in the hallway due to my sensitive eyes and difficulty breathing. I’d come home from work with a sick feeling in my stomach. Whenever I was late, he’d bombard me with texts asking about my whereabouts and accusing me of things… “who you f..g”.. “you wh..e”
No one would be allowed in our flat; everyone was deemed suspicious; if they weren’t paedophiles, then they were something else. In the last few months of our relationship, he withdrew completely, spending the entire day online while my child and I felt invisible. There’s much more to this, but finally, the day arrived when I’d had enough. After two years, I was about to visit my parents, but he tried to stop me. A series of terrible events occurred. Passports and birth certificates vanished, and his scheduled operation was curiously cancelled.
My bruises were impossible to hide, and the psychological abuse continued: “paedophile”, “if you leave, I will destroy you and make sure you never have your little girl”, and “I will have you deported from England”- were things I regularly heard.
I couldn’t do it anymore; with the help of my friends and co-workers, I managed to escape and find a safe place to stay.
Weeks of madness ensued after I left. It was only the first step, and I ended up with nothing. Unexpected revelations began to surface. Depression, anxiety, and a profound feeling of loss consumed me in the initial weeks; I couldn’t sleep, I’d struggled to keep any food down, and went from size 8 to size 4 in just two weeks. Dealing with the police and social services and gathering evidence against him added to the stress and chaos. I am immensely grateful for everyone who stood by me during this time—my child, friends, the police, society—everyone. He was arrested two days after I fled; before that, he made relentless efforts to track me down and strip away everything I owned from our flat.
The court proceedings were scheduled a few months later, and it was the most daunting challenge I’ve ever faced. That entire week was a complete mess. The sheer stress was unimaginable—constantly running to the toilet, I wasn’t able to eat. Trying to recall everything was impossible due to the whirlwind of events that occurred over the past few years. As I began to speak, one event triggered another, flooding my mind with different situations.
This teaches me one thing: why don’t women report this? Going through this madness in court is not easy; the treatment I received, the way his barrister spoke to me and twisted every single word and fact, was horrifying. Standing there as a woman, with all those papers and evidence, she attacked and disrespected me, not just as an individual but every woman in my situation.
On the bright side, the judge was lovely, and she let me speak even when I was supposed to give a yes or no answer. However, this woman’s hands were shaking when I told her what happened. You can suggest and speculate as much as you like. It was so unbelievable. There’s continuous talk in the media about women’s power, yet I stood there representing all the victims, feeling hopeless that this woman was only there for money, neglecting all moral considerations; it was wrong on every level.
She was his fifth barrister; I don’t know why he kept changing them. Anyway, after a whole mad week, in the end, the jury was eventually dismissed due to one member’s racist comments and another admitting to past spousal abuse- stating, “I used to beat my wife up; I don’t see the problem!”
It was unexpected and devastating, despite the support from my side and the police. Six months later, we were back in court. This time, I dressed up and wore makeup. I was still stressed, but my friends supported me along the way. I knew I was fighting for women who weren’t strong enough to stand there.
Even though I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, it was tough. It felt too personal, too sensitive, unearthing secrets and lies I never knew existed. Interestingly, the female barrister was no longer present; she quit. I wonder why.
I can’t say it was easy because it wasn’t. Several years have passed, filled with a lot of challenges and ups and downs, affecting not just my mental health and trust but also my little girl’s. We have managed to rebuild our lives despite moving frequently, eventually settling down, making new friends, and embracing a fresh start. As for him, he kept creating problems after he was released from prison, the online abuse started, and more followed. However, giving up isn’t an option; you must persist and give your utmost for yourself and your children. I’d be lying if I said being a single mum is easy. There are countless worries, challenges, issues with self-confidence, and economic struggles, especially in the current times.
During the several lockdowns, I managed to take some courses in Life Coaching, Domestic Abuse, and Managing dyslexia and anxiety and authored and published my storybook titled NO AIR.
I also support Refuge Charity and now Surviving Economic Charity, and I’ve been working on an Economic abuse interview for ITV News. I focus on helping others facing situations similar to or worse than mine. Charities offering help and guidance are more accessible now than when I needed it a few years ago. I’m immensely grateful for the support and assistance from these charities, the officials involved in my case, and my friends and family who were there for us!
It’s very important to talk about this global issue and raise awareness. Equally important is educating people, especially young adults, about the available assistance and resources. Inspiring survivors and victims is vital, letting them know there’s light at the end of the dark tunnel and that they’re not alone!
You can find a new life and new love, even amidst the challenges with trust you will face. That is where you realise that pain becomes power !!!
Are you concerned that you or someone you care about may be facing abuse?
The statistics are shocking. Did you know that one in six women experience economic abuse by a partner?
If you are worried you might be experiencing economic abuse or a family member or friend might be, visit the Surviving Economic Abuse website for further information on accessing support: https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/i-need-help/
Contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline
You can call for free and in confidence, 24 hours a day.
Contact Ivana
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/IvancaKovalvana
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ivkaivus?igsh=czd6ajE1dWU0c2N2
Get her published book No Air: https://amzn.to/40pJlsh
Fashion and beauty enthusiast born in Slovakia. Published author of nonfiction books Big girls dont cry and No air. Love cooking, reading ,spending time with daughter , nature walks and taking photos.
Fighting against Domestic and Economic abuse.