Living a Double Life
I remember the moment like I’m still in it, It was the morning after Boris had announced the first lockdown in 2020. We all remember that day, don’t we? I got a text from my sister asking if I was still friends with my ex on Facebook. Honestly, I don’t remember if I was. She told me to go look at his profile. I did, and it seemed as though he had himself a new girlfriend. Not unusual, you might think, but let me skip back a year or so to explain.
We had been together for 9 years, we ran a successful recruitment business together, which he had started, and I joined him when I was on maternity leave. We had a 4-year-old daughter together, and we were planning our wedding. It was in the newest barn conversion around, had only just opened, and we had put a deposit down when it was only a shell. We were living the dream life of a couple in our mid 30’s; it seemed it was all coming together, money flowing in from the business, holidays to Florida every year (at one point, my daughter had been to Florida more times than the age she was). Holidays every quarter, working from wherever we went, a team in the office so we could travel and enjoy life.
I had my hen do in Marbella. He had his stag do in Vegas, of course, and the wedding dress was on its final fitting. We were weeks from the big day, it was September 2018, Lyla had started school we had filled out the forms to take her out of school for our round the world honeymoon. Orlando, Florida Keys, LA and Australia.
Then he suddenly disappeared. He told me he was staying with a friend, he needed some space, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to get married.
I, being the person that I am, thought he was having a breakdown because of the pressure of the wedding, the business, and him being a late 30s male. It’s not unheard of. To cut a long story short, he decided to cancel the wedding and lost us £10k overnight. He cancelled the guests and all of the things, and he told me he was unsure of our future but wanted to try because we had this amazing life together. So I went along with it, we went on our honeymoon, we continued to work together, and we had Christmas with his parents.
We had holidays booked for the year ahead, and although my heart was breaking and my life was falling apart, I did not want us to split up. I wanted a family unit. I wanted us to be together. I DID NOT want to be a single mum!
But this brings me to my next realisation. I had worked with him for 4 years at this point. I had a car, a mobile phone, and even my home was paid for all through the business but I was never actually paid a wage. If I wanted money, I would spend it on his cards, or he would transfer me what I needed. But I wasn’t paid per se. It was more of a pocket-money situation.
He was in total control of my entire life. Work, money, home, child! I was at his mercy! What on earth would I do if I lost my work at the business he owned? So I continued to try and work things out with him. We would go on date nights, we would have family days out, and I desperately wanted the life I had been promised when he asked me to marry him!
We had a bright future, a successful business, a lovely home, and a daughter, and I wanted more babies.
But then came the point of our next Florida holiday with his parents. Every year, we would spend Easter in Orlando with his parents, and we would enjoy the sunshine, the shopping and the theme parks. But although he was booked to come on this trip and he drove us to the airport, he didn’t get on the plane with us! He promised he would get a flight out in a few days. He gave me $300 and a credit card and told me more would be transferred. Not sure if you have ever been to Orlando, but $300 for a two-week trip is not going to cut it!
What could I do I had an excited 4 year old wanting to go to Disney and to spend a few weeks with her grandparents. I got on that flight knowing I would be alone with a 4-year-old for the next 4 days until his parents arrived. I didn’t have the confidence to drive in America, so I took a taxi to the hotel at the other end of a 9-hour flight and 4 days pretty much stranded in the hotel because I was terrified of being in the USA alone. They have guns!!
His parents arrived and with 2 days left of the holiday so did he! We went to Disney, and we did all the right things, but at this point, I knew I had to harden my heart to him!
However, I was stuck wondering what I would do with my life! I loved my job and the lifestyle it afforded me. I negotiated terms, part-time work around school hours and actual wages.
But we were deep into 2019 and he continued to be around, be very present in my life and be very controlling of my work, money, child care arrangements. I would be reminded in not-so-kind ways that he owned me. Everything I had was his. My child, my house, my car, even my mobile phone! I was stuck. I hadn’t realised as my heart was so broken and my life was falling apart, but he had stopped making repayments on loans and credit cards that were in my name. The loans and credit cards we had used to start the business, move house, buy new furniture, and even go on some of our extravagant holidays!
All that debt was in my name, and I had no way of paying it back without his help. He was not interested in helping me, though; my debts were my problem!
Let’s get to the point where I checked his profile on Facebook and discovered this new girlfriend. I was devastated, he was still sleeping in my bed and coming home for his tea most of the time. He promised that he would sort out my debts and that our life would be back to normal when he was feeling better. I was still going to his parents’ house for dinner as his partner. To the outside world, I was still in this shitshow of a relationship, being controlled and feeling stuck!
I was heartbroken, he tried to explain it away that he had just met her, that this was all new and he was about to tell me but lockdown had forced his hand!
Little did he know that my friend had already FBI’d them, and their relationship was visible on social media as far back as June 2018. That’s 18 months of him lying to me, gaslighting me and making me think I was mad. 18 months of money troubles and worries. 18 months of total deceit. I found out that he had an apartment that he was basically living with her too and living a double life. He had never stayed at his friends house, the affair was the cause of all the upset. He wanted his cake, and he wanted to eat it!
I knew at this point we were over, never to be recovered and that I would survive.
Lockdown was a total saviour for me. I needed the space to recover, to not have to deal with everyone else’s emotions about this. Our little family had fallen apart, our business was falling apart, and I was falling apart.
It really has taken years for me to untangle myself from that relationship. Financially, I had to apply for an IVA to write off my debts. I had to rebuild my self-esteem after been deceived for so long, I had no idea if I could trust anyone let alone myself. I had to rebuild my career after working with him for such a long time.
I retrained as a life coach, and I now help women who, like me, have been through a breakup after a long-term relationship. I help them regain their confidence and rediscover who they are. I help them build trust in themselves and others so it is possible for them to find love again.
I now have a new partner we have 3 daughters and a dog between us. I managed to leave the recruitment business with my ex and take my life coaching business full time, and I know I have a bright future ahead after all the heartbreak and toxic past.
It is possible to recover and these breakups/breakdowns are usually the making of us. I know that everything I went through was so I could support other women through these tough times and into healthier relationships.
I’m creating a transformative digital course.
Designed for women who have their lives together but are confused by dating & relationships. You never want to go through those breakups again! It’s not about dating or meeting someone. It’s about your self-development journey, having better relationships & working out who you are in this season of your life.
You will learn about love languages, attachment styles & boundaries. You’ll work out what it is you believe about relationships & how your past affects your present. It’s these beliefs that are holding you back from having a guy who is kind, honest & emotionally intelligent!
You’ll learn to build trust again!
I can help you overcome your fear of online dating and rejection & become confident in your own skin.
We start on Monday 4th March. DM me on Insta, and I will send you the details.
I am @rachelteelingcoaching
If you want to find out more about my coaching, check out my website www.rachelteeling.com
Want to find out more about navigating breakups, dating, and relationships? Listen to my podcast, Healing with Teeling. You can find the show wherever you usually listen to your podcasts (Apple, Spotify, Google, Amazon) or click this link to be taken straight to my show https://shows.acast.com/65a528157c40240016dfbc2c
Rachel, Is a dating expert and certified self esteem coach! Host of Healing with Teeling podcast and writer of The single mums guide to life blog!
Back in 2018 her wedding was cancelled by her ex of almost 10 years just weeks before the big day, leaving her broken hearted, confused and a single mum!
She began her self development journey starting with doing an online course to help regain her confidence and become empowered, which led her to certify as a life coach.
Now she helps ambitious women who are confused and overwhelmed by dating, to find the right guy for them, by rediscovering their own identity, regaining their confidence and loving themselves unconditionally.